Over this past month, I have sat down in front of my computer many times to write something uplifting for you all to read. I start writing, and sit there staring at the monitor.. then I give up, and erase the whole thing. This month has been full of everything I dread; hatred, lies, despair, concern, envy, jealousy, gossip, stress.. all of it.
I started feeling depressed last Friday. I just didn't feel like doing anything, or being happy, or anything. The weekend went by way too fast, and then Monday came upon me. The stress level at work was unbearable, but some how I made it through. That night I went to bed at 7:30.. I just couldn't bear to be awake any longer. I wanted to shut the door and be alone, and unconscious, and away from everything.
The next day Seth told me he could tell something was wrong, tho I didn't express any worry. Tuesday was worse than Monday at work. The tension was so thick you literally could have cut it with a knife. My co-worker and I were desperately trying to get everything in order for a meeting on Wednesday. It seemed like every time we turned around there was something else that needed to be done, and the work pile was closing in around us.
Wednesday was the climax of the work load, but thankfully we managed to get prepared, and steadied ourselves for the meeting... tho it didn't go quite as expected. Thursday morning was the climax of the stress that had been building, and the mirage of being free from it was smashed into tiny bits. I almost quit my job. I won't go into too much detail, but I will tell you that my patience was tested, and I wanted to lash out and literally hurt someone. It was the worst I had ever been made to feel.
I spent most of Thursday morning crying like a toddler who had been told "no" and sent to their rooms. It was that uncontrollable cry that makes you sound like you are hyperventilating. After a 3 hour stand off between boss and employees, it came to a close and everyone 'acted' like nothing ever happened. I was scarred non the less.. and it showed.
Through it all though there has been a constant: God. I have continued reading my Bible daily, listening to sermons at work when I can, praying, and thanking God for all he is doing in mine and my family's life. I just kept thinking to myself that there must be a reason for why all of this is happening. I have been tested, and am in the process of a slow molding of character. I couldn't help but think of God thru that entire stressful process, and asking him for his guidance and wisdom. What a difference it made, too!
Last year at this time, if this had happened, I would have quit on the spot. It is hard to stand still, and take it all in, but that is what I must do to learn what God is doing in my life. I will let him lead me. Even now that the week, from you know where, is over, I am seeing the good that came from it all... and I know that there is more to learn from it.
I now see that the depression beforehand was somewhat of a buffer to ease me into the storm that was approaching. God is good, and he has my back. And, amid all the bad, there were moments of satisfaction, and thankfulness. I hope that when hard times come your way that you will lean on God for strength... it was and is the only thing that has gotten me thru the down times.
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